Why am I so scared?

What are you afraid of?

We all have fears, and I have been so lucky to have numerous fears. I'm terrified of the dark and the scary things that might live in my closet. I have a phobia of blood. Even the tiniest "traumatic" occurance, such as a a paper cut, can cause me to faint. I have a fear of falling from stunts and hurting myself, or those around me. I'm afraid of not being good enough, of losing someone close to me, of being kidnapped, of talking to people I don't know...

My newest fear??? Change.

Little by little, I realize that the life I know and love is nearing the end of its chapter. I want to keep reading forever and ever, and I am loving life so much right now that I can't seem to "put the book down". Each paragraph is full of amazing new memories, love, and happiness. The suspense builds up as I turn the page, not knowing how soon the end of the chapter is. I tell myself not to read ahead, because I don't want to change my view of the page I am currently on. But I'm scared... What will the title of the next chapter be?! Where is my story going to go? Who will star as the leading roles of the cast in my life story?

I know that life has so much to offer me and I have worked so hard to get to the point I am at. I'm sure that the feelings I feel are typical feelings that any high school senior feels as they get closer to graduation, college, and the rest of their lives. Part of me is excited to meet new people, have new experiences, and be out on my own. But I am SO scared of all of these things at the same time! I was texting my mom on the day I got admitted to BYU and at one point the conversation consisted of,

Me: "I will be EIGHT HOURS AWAY?! How often can I visit?"

Mom: "You could visit all the time.. Every holiday. And you will make great lifetime friends there"

Me: "But I like my old friends! Even Halloween? It stresses me out!"

I'm scared of what I'll do without my parents there for me. What do I do if I get a flat tire? What do I do if I forget my homework and I need my mom to drop it off at school for me? What if my little sister Claire forgets my name? I feel like such a baby sometimes, and I worry so much... but these are real fears and sometimes, I feel like I'm facing them all alone.

I'm afraid of saying goodbye to all my friends that I may or may not ever see again. I'm afraid to be away from Alex. Whenever I watch this clip from High School Musical 3, it reminds me of us. I mean hey, we even LOOK similar to Troy and Gabriella, if you ask me :) When I listen to the lyrics, I am reminded that "tomorrow can wait for some other day to be, cause right now there's you and me"

I am scared to leave Natalie. She has been my partner in crime since she was born, and even though we are both teenagers now and fight pretty often, she's one of my best friends and I would be a mess without her in my life. She gives me great advice and it's the coolest thing in the world to have a bedroom right next to her so that I can talk to her whenever I want. I'll miss being able to do that, but through all the advice she's given me, this video is for her. She will be a freshman in high school next year and I think Taylor Swift says it all.

All my life, I've never had to live away from my mom. She has done so much for me, and I am who I am, because of her. She did my hair everyday and let me sleep with the hallway light on because I was afraid of the dark when I was a little girl. She taught me to walk, and to talk. She took care of me when I was sick. She taught me respect, and to learn from the mistakes that others have made. She cried with me the first time I had my heart broken. She helped teach me how to drive. She watched me try on my first prom dress. She went to all of my cheer competitions. She does so much for me, and I am so scared to be 470.8 miles away from her. THIS video from the Hannah Montana movie reminds me of her and how much she has done for me. If I could sing and play guitar, AND didn't burst into tears, I would sing it for her. (excuse the random foreign language subtitles)

I know that this is a great opportunity for me and that I will have a great time in college. I know I shouldn't freak out about it yet, and just live in the page of my book that I'm on right now, but these have just been my latest feelings and I thought I'd share them with you all :)

Uhh 4 more months?!

It was my life and it was fun

Another season of my life is done

Another race I'm glad I got to run

Another chapter of my life, it's over

No I'm never gonna feel like that again

Time's rushin' by me like the wind

Never be as young as I was then

No I'm never gonna feel like that again

It feels like just yesterday that I was walking through the doors of high school for the very first time! Now, I find myself trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I only have 4 more months of high school left!!! It's bitter sweet. Though lately I have been dreading school, and cheer, and the limited hours of sleep that I get during the week, I know I will miss it. I'll miss all the laughs we all share on a daily basis in English, I'll miss those morning announcements, I'll miss eating lunch with my friends everyday, and I'll even miss driving to school in the FREEZING cold! (okay, yeah... I'm not going to miss that). The adventures that await me frighten me, but at the same time, I can't wait to move on to so much more in life.

As I sat in the commons at lunch today (on the floor I will add, considering it's excruciatingly freezing outside so everyone eats inside at OUR table and we are forced to settle for an alternative), I reminisced on our freshman year when the school looked SO different than it does now. It's kind of juvenile, but I thought of us, the Class of 2011, and how we, like our school, are newly remodeled characters with a new year ahead of us (wow that was a lot of commas).

Though I have so many memories to say goodbye to, I think I am beginning to accept the fact that my high school days are coming to a close.. Actually, on second thought, I want the next four months to go by slower!!